Comparative Suffering: Why Your Struggles Matter

Ever find yourself lying in bed at night, feeling completely alone with your racing thoughts? Suddenly, you catch yourself scolding your inner critic: “Well, at least I’m not living in a war zone or dealing with a terminal illness. I should just suck it up and stop complaining about not sleeping.”

Yeah. That’s comparative suffering in action. It’s that sneaky habit of invalidating your own pain because someone else, somewhere, has it worse. And wow, do I hear this a lot—from clients, friends, and even from the little voice in my own head sometimes.

Brené Brown (aka the fairy godmother of emotional wisdom) talks about this concept frequently. She says comparative suffering doesn’t serve anyone. It doesn’t magically redistribute empathy or make us stronger. Instead, it layers shame on top of whatever we’re already feeling. Honestly, shame is about as useful for sleep as a double espresso at 10 p.m.

The Suffering Olympics

It’s easy to downplay our own struggles. Maybe you have insomnia but think, “I have a job, a roof over my head, and people who love me. Should I really complain?” The short answer is: Yes.

Brown emphasizes that empathy isn’t a finite resource. Acknowledging your own pain doesn’t detract from someone else’s suffering; it actually increases your capacity for compassion. Ignoring or suppressing your own struggles will not make you more empathetic. It will simply lead to emotional exhaustion and crankiness. And let’s be real—that doesn't help anyone.

If you’ve been awake for nights on end, feeling miserable, stop telling yourself, “At least I don’t have (insert big problem here).” This doesn’t help. You are just adding guilt to your already tired brain, and that’s not beneficial for anyone.

Insomnia Is Hard—And That’s Okay to Admit

Insomnia is hard. It’s not merely being “a little tired." It’s lying awake for hours, checking the clock every 15 minutes. You calculate how much sleep you could get if you fell asleep right now. It’s waking up feeling as though you’ve been run over by a truck. You drink too much coffee to compensate and then repeat the whole cycle the next night.

Insomnia impacts your mood, focus, relationships, and overall health. It’s a big deal. Acknowledging this does not mean you’re ignoring the world's larger issues. It simply means you are treating yourself with the same kindness and care you would afford a friend.

The Power of Admitting Your Struggles

When we admit our struggles, we give ourselves permission to seek help, make changes, and heal. If you constantly tell yourself your insomnia isn’t that bad, you’re less likely to take meaningful steps to improve your sleep.

More importantly, admitting your struggles allows you to support others more effectively. Think about it—when you’ve faced a tough situation, you become better equipped to offer genuine empathy to others experiencing similar hardships. When you say, “Yeah, sleep deprivation makes me feel awful,” you’re more likely to recognize when someone else struggles. You can then offer them support, rather than brushing off their concerns with a dismissive comment like, “You’ll be fine.”

Giving Yourself Permission to Feel

In the end, admitting your struggles—whether it’s insomnia, anxiety, stress, or anything else—doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Awareness of your pain does not suggest you are ungrateful or unaware of other people’s suffering. Instead, it fosters a deeper understanding of others because you know what it’s like to struggle.

So the next time you catch yourself thinking, “I shouldn’t complain about my sleep issues and anxiety because other people have it worse,” pause. Breathe deeply. Remember, your struggles matter too.

Click *here for more tips and mental health support. Fill out the contact form to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anissa Bell, LMFT, and find out if online therapy is right for you (currently not offering in-person therapy). Providing online therapy throughout California

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