If you’ve ever looked at your partner with daggers while they sleep peacefully for the third hour in a row, you might have considered a sleep divorce—and honestly, you wouldn’t be alone.
What is a Sleep Divorce?
A sleep divorce is exactly what it sounds like: you and your partner decide to sleep in separate beds (or even separate rooms) to get better sleep. No actual divorce attorneys are involved—just an agreement that sleeping apart might be the best thing for your health, sanity and maybe even your relationship.
While the idea of separate bedrooms might bring to mind 1950s sitcoms, it’s actually becoming more common. A 2023 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that 35% of Americans occasionally or consistently sleep in a different bed than their partner to improve sleep quality. That’s more than one in three people choosing solo sleep over nightly snuggle sessions.
Why Are People Choosing Sleep Divorce?
The reasons vary, but here are some of the top culprits:
Snoring – If your partner snores like a chainsaw, you know the struggle.
Restlessness – Some people toss and turn like they’re reenacting an action movie in their sleep.
Different Sleep Schedules – One’s a night owl, the other’s an early bird. Chaos ensues.
Temperature Preferences – One likes it Arctic cold, the other prefers a warm and toasty cocoon.
Insomnia – If you struggle with sleep, having another person next to you—especially one who falls asleep instantly—can be infuriating.
The Benefits of Sleeping Apart
Better Sleep Quality – When you’re not being woken up by snoring, blanket stealing or a partner who thinks the bed is a jungle gym, you’re much more likely to get a good night’s sleep.
Less Resentment – If you have insomnia, there’s nothing worse than lying awake next to someone who’s asleep. Sleeping apart can prevent those "I kind of hate you right now" moments.
Improved Health – Chronic sleep deprivation is linked to everything from heart disease to anxiety. Prioritizing sleep means prioritizing your well-being.
More Energy for Connection – If you’re well-rested, you’re more likely to have energy for meaningful connection during the day—physical and emotional.
The Downsides of Sleeping Separately
Loss of Physical Intimacy – Let’s be real—when you sleep in separate rooms, spontaneous cuddles or other nighttime activities require a bit more effort. Some couples feel less connected as a result.
Social Stigma – There’s still a belief that happy couples should share a bed and sleeping apart might mean your relationship is “failing.” Spoiler: It’s not.
Emotional Distance – For some, separate sleeping arrangements can feel like emotional distance if not communicated properly.
The Emotional Toll of Insomnia in a Shared Bed
If you struggle with insomnia, sleeping next to someone who falls asleep instantly can feel like a cruel joke. While you lie there, counting the minutes, trying not to toss and turn too much, your partner is breathing deeply in peaceful oblivion. It’s easy to feel resentful.
And resentment? Not exactly great for a relationship.
Many insomniacs experience frustration and even loneliness while their partner sleeps soundly. If you’ve ever wanted to nudge your partner awake just so they can share in your suffering, you’re not alone (though, to be clear, I’m not advocating for that level of revenge).
What If You Want to Sleep in the Same Bed Again?
If you and your partner have had a sleep divorce but want to sleep in the same bed again, the key is solving the root of your sleep struggles.
For many people, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) is the gold standard for treating sleep difficulties. It helps address the thoughts and behaviors that fuel insomnia like:
“I can't sleep - I'm not normal like everyone else.”
“If my partner moves even just a little bit I will not be able to sleep."
“I need to try harder to fall asleep.”
Through CBT-I you learn to challenge those thoughts and develop habits that promote better sleep. When your sleep improves, sleeping with your partner becomes a lot more manageable.
Communication is Key
Whether you’re considering a sleep divorce, currently in one, or trying to sleep in the same bed again, communication is key. Talk about your sleep needs, your frustrations and how to stay intimate despite sleeping apart. Some couples schedule cuddles or intentionally make time for other physical connection.
In short, sleep is important for your health and your relationship. Whether that means you sleep together or apart, the goal should always be to get the rest you need to be your best self for yourself and your partner.
For more tips and professional support, visit www.sandiego-therapy.com. Fill out the contact form to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anissa Bell, LMFT, and find out if this treatment approach is right for you.
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